For Such A Time As This…

The time has come. The time is now. “Why now?”, you may ask. Well, let me start with the thought that I knew this day would come. I just had no idea when it would be. I am someone that can speak from both sides. I speak or write from experience, from the heart, from my beliefs and from love. I have prayed for God to give me my voice. What I did not expect was that it would be here…that it would be now…for such a time as this, on this topic. A topic of such controversy.

Our country, the beloved United States of America is far from united. It is so divided at this time in history that it leaves many speechless. Many are afraid to speak up for fear of being labeled. Labeled ruthless. Labeled judgmental. Labeled heartless. But this is not new. The USA has been and continues to be divided over race, over wealth, over health, over politics, over beliefs, and so much more. Let us not grow weary…and give in to defeat. We are not defeated. But, I do believe that we are about to be judged if we do not turn from our wicked ways. The people of this land in which we live have been deceived for far too long. Deceived by lies. We have come to a place far from freedom and far from any form of truth. We have caved to the lies for far too long. On one side there are those wanting to defend the legal rights of those that are not even legal by the law of the land; while denying rights of the most defenseless. On the other side are those that have become so fueled in thinking that they are right, they forget those they are fighting with or arguing are people too. Every person has a soul. Every time we interact with someone, we are interacting with that soul…and with their heart. We must learn how to deliver truth in love. Please hear my heart on this, right now. I want to bear witness to a truth in love. This is not judgment on any one person or peoples. I have been there, done that….and currently, I stand on the other side.

As a country, not just a land, but a people, we are standing at a precipice. When those we have elected to represent us hold the power to provide for the murder the most defenseless of lives or pass along such power to others, we are putting ourselves in alignment against the will of God Almighty. I understand that there are those that do not believe in God. But hang in there with me. Hear me out on this, please. At one point in my life, I questioned His existence, too.

One could say that this post is my testimony to His existence. The year was 1984. It should have been a year filled with hope and dreams. Instead, about two months prior to my high school graduation, I became pregnant. I had just turned 18 and had been dating for 2 years. At the time, I was convinced I was going to marry this young man. He was a freshman in college with dreams to finish and I had been accepted to college with plans to go in the Fall. I was beyond scared. I was terrified. I had no idea what to do. I could not share this discovery for fear of judgement from others…parents, friends, family, teachers and peers. Others had gotten pregnant in high school and were slandered by many. I had a rather healthy fear of what people thought of me. I wanted to be loved so much. I was a people pleaser. Make everything look good on the outside, no matter how bad you are hurting. Certainly, I did not want anyone to think poorly of me. There was no question in the young man’s mind, I was to get an abortion. He would pay for it. Again, I was terrified. Either way. Having the abortion terrified me. Not having the abortion terrified me. But, I went ahead with it because of each of our future plans. This was not part of the plan. Plus, I was so insecure with myself that I did not want to do anything to jeopardize losing the affections of the young man I cared so deeply for.

Honestly, my thought was just do it and get it over with….and it will all be over. What a lie! Thinking that there would be no consequences. When in reality, my choice caused harm to my soul (mind, will and emotions) by the lies. More harm than any other decision I had made previously. What lies, you ask? The lie that it’s my body and my right to do what I want and what I deem best. The lie that at 18 years of age I know what it best for me. I was so afraid that I was not even thinking right. How in the world could I even deem what was best for me. The lie that it would all be over once the physical act was over. This was a decision that would haunt me for years. Guilt and shame would drift in and out like the waves at the edge of the beach. Some days those waves of guilt and shame would just wash in and out; while other days those waves would crash on the the beach of my soul with such a force that I thought I would never outrun this…this awful and ghastly choice I had made. A choice to end a life. Those waves never stopped. Every day. Every hour they were there. A constant reminder. I was told that it’s not a life yet. It’s not living. It’s not breathing….it’s, it’s. it’s. Believe me when I say, “it” is not an it! If it is just an it, then please tell me why, my thoughts would always turn to the what ifs. What I now know is that we are born with a conscious. We are formed and knit together by the Creator of the universe. The Great I AM. He had thoughts of each one of us before the foundations of the world were even formed. This conscious deep within me knew that the choice I had made was wrong. It was a selfish act to end the life because it kept up an appearance of doing good. I still looked ‘good’ to the world; yet I felt like I was dying inside because of what I had done.

Up to this point in my life, I had attended church. I had even become a member of the church I grew up going to Sunday School throughout my childhood. I had even been the president of our youth group for a while. I never did drugs. I didn’t drink (until college). I grew up with a label of “goody too shoes.” But who was giving me that label of being good? Man was, for sure. Because of what they saw expressed outwardly. That was not a label I bore from God. You see, growing up in church, I knew of God. I truly did not know Him. While being in the public school system and loving the sciences, I began to question His existence. If God truly existed, why did bad things happen?

After dating the young man for six years, we split. It was then that I found myself alone and dealing with grief. Mourning the end of a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. That is when the reality hit me. I had been dealing with the pain of what I did off and on over the years. However, as long as I was still with the young man, it seemed to subside. But honestly, it never went away. Those waves still there…guilt, shame, pain…unworthiness. The choice that I had made took that away from a life, the smallest of lives. There is absolutely no way around this. Believe me when I say this, as one who took a life, it is your choice. A choice that will haunt you. Why? Because just like you have a soul, so does that life. God created us in such a way that souls can be tied to one another. I only know this today because I now have a restored and incredible relationship with Him.

You see, my pain ran deep because of that abortion. Instead of dealing with it, for years I buried it thinking it would go away. This is one of those lies so many of us believe. Burying pain is not how to deal with it. My life moved on and I fell for a young man that was younger than me, but was one of those guys I didn’t think existed. He was kind. He was caring. He was attentive. He was affectionate. Eventually, I married that young man in 1991….and yes, before we married I informed him of my past. He accepted me as I was…without judgement. But that didn’t keep those waves at bay…. thoughts of my worthiness. How could I ever be considered a good person after what I had done? I had committed murder. If there truly was a God, He would despise me for what I had done. More waves…more thoughts…constantly and consistently beckoning to feeling unworthy, shameful and guilty. Oh, how I wrestled with this, night and day, day and night. I tried to justify it. I tried to explain and excuse it away. Nothing worked. After having our first child in 1992, it was like an old wound scarred over was ripped wide open.

It wasn’t until mid year 1994, together, my husband and I were at a Sunday morning service at a business convention. We agreed to go and that morning my entire life changed. The path I was on turned around. There isn’t much that I remember about that day. It is such a blur. What I do recall is that the gentleman speaking had been so steeped in drugs and alcohol that he saw no way out. It was then that he shared what changed his life. Or I should say who changed his life. Yeah, I had grown up in church, one of Lutheran denomination. Yet I had never heard what he shared. We are in a convention hall with hundreds if not thousands of people. But it was like he was speaking directly to me. I sat on the edge of my seat and with every word he spoke, it pierced my heart. His story was about how God pursued him and loved him just as he was. He explained that Jesus died for him; Jesus died for me. Oh, I heard the speaker speaking, but who I really heard was God speaking to my heart about who I was, about how He loved me…about how He created me. I heard God say that I was never meant for this. I was never meant to carry such a burden. It was why He died. He died for me. He died to set me free. He gave His live for me so that I could live. He accepted me and all that I had done because He had already paid the ultimate price for it. It was then that I accepted and confessed Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life. I professed it with my mouth. I did not just believe it, I claimed it for me. It was like He was handing me a gift, I had to do my part to accept and receive it. I repented for what I had done and I asked Him for forgiveness. What is so beautiful is that there is not one single solitary thing that He will not forgive when you were lost. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Oh, I went running into His arms of mercy, grace and forgiveness. What happened then was so incredible!

I hear story after story of those that suffer from post-abortion issues. Women who every year grieve a birthday. Women who continue to mourn what they did. Women who profess to be Christians. I am here to say this does not have to be this way. That day in 1994, when I heard the true Gospel message spoken from a perspective of identity in who we are created to be in Him, I left it, all of it, all that went with the abortion, at the foot of The Cross. I laid it down and never again picked it up. I left the shame. I left the guilt. I left the pain there. I never ever picked it up again. I was truly set free. The chain was gone. I had cast off the weight that so desperately wanted to keep me down. I no longer believed the lies.

Here it is ladies and gentleman, the moment you all have been waiting for…..Father God created you. He formed you. He knew of you before time existed. He desires a relationship with you. He longs for you and He pursues you without pause or delay. He gave His Son for you. His Son, Jesus Christ gave up His divinity and came to earth with The Cross before Him. He gave His life for you! He retrieved the keys to the Kingdom from the depths for you to live and walk in wholeness. Wholeness that is an abundant life filled with an inheritance you cannot even fathom apart from Him.

This is my testimony. A testimony of a life changed, radically changed. If you know me, you know how God redeemed this. Today, I am blessed beyond measure to be mom to Mariah Fei-Li Lan. Adopted from China in 2005, just a month shy of her third birthday. A life that used to live for myself. A life lived in fear. A life riddled with doubt and unworthiness. To a life that is here to release my testimony in order to bring healing to the lives of others. May I encourage you to share your testimony if you have one…all of it. Not a condensed version. This is short changing yourself and the one receiving. Not a testimony giving salvation from the standpoint or perspective of sin or eternal damnation. That is fear and judgement brothers and sisters. Our testimony is of life transforming power that demonstrates our true identity, our worth. Jesus did not die to solely save us, but to deliver us, heal us, make us whole and so much more. Recently, I heard this, “Jesus died for you to be set free from what you were never created to be.” You were not created to be a sinner. There is only One that can define you and that is who created you. The focus of salvation was not sin, but YOU!

You are worth The Blood of Jesus Christ that was spilled on Calvary. period.